Don't Read This.

Here's a story that I wrote for Athens, Ohio, publication Backdrop Magazine. It hasn't been published yet because of difficulties with the website, so I thought I'd go ahead and post it on here before it gets too dated. Here it is and be sure to check out www.backdropmag.com for everything that's great about this world. Fa sho.

What Not To Do As A Freshman

-Don’t Forget To Check Your Bobcat Email Every Morning

   This little form of intra-campus communication comes in handy. I finally learned to check my email last year after I walked all the way from east green to Porter Hall to find out that my class was cancelled. And oh yeah, it was -10 degrees out with eight inches of snow on the ground. At 9 am. Don’t be a dummy. Check and respeck.

 

-Don’t Miss Slice Night

   Courtside, Wednesday nights, $0.50 per slice of cheese pizza ($0.75 per slice of pepperoni). It’s great.

 

-Don’t Walk In A Big Group Your First Weekend

   If you want to have any chance at getting into a house party your first night(s), keep the herd back in the dorm where it belongs and go out in small groups. Once your packs have successfully located and entered a party THEN reconvene. Actually, apply this rule to the entire year.

 

-Don’t Forget About That Red Brick Road…

   Here are a few fun facts about Ohio University:

1.) Ohio University was the first university founded in what was formerly called the Northwest Territories in 1804. It was the first recognized institution to be built in Appalachia, making its campus both hilly and scenic (that fall foliage really makes me melt).

2.) Nelsonville, Ohio—just up the road from Athens—was once the world’s leading producer of brick. Much of Athens, Ohio, is laid out in brick.

3.) Hills that are mainly paved over with brick do not make for a smooth walking surface. Much of the brick is uneven with gaps in between. Shoes that have pointy ends—i.e. heels—will stick in these gaps. Freshman boozing mixed with brick mixed with heels leads to lots of injuries, broken heels, and shattered dreams.

   Ladies, as much as I love seeing you do ya thang with heels on, keep in mind the potential potholes you’ll have to dodge on your quest back to your dorms.

 

-Don’t Forget About Your Stomach On Court Street

  I have a personal vice when it comes to stuffing my face after a night out on the town: Big Mamma’s. Big Mamma’s comes in handy late night (it’s typically open until 3 a.m.) and its “baby” burrito is almost the size of a Chipotle burrito for half the price ($3.25). To be completely honest, I almost prefer Big Mamma’s to Chipotle. So step your Mexican game up. Get some Big Mamma’s. Let me recommend the Chipotle Ranch Mamma with ground beef. Big Mamma’s is right by the intersection of Court and Washington, just past the Chase bank.

 

-Don’t Do This (If You Don’t Have The Means…)

   Now, if one were to have the means to enter one of Athens’ finer drinking holes, one would find that The Crystal is a popular destination for all those 21 years or older. One would find that Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights are great nights for $1.25 drafts of Miller Light, Bud Light, and Coors Light respectively. But then again, that’s only what I’ve heard.

 

-Don’t Bundle Up When Going To Bentley Hall

   Bentley Hall will destroy your self-esteem, your sweat glands, and your favorite white tee. It can be argued that it’s the hottest lecture hall on campus. It doesn’t help when 100-200 person classes exacerbate the temperature. Remember to dress not to impress but to survive when braving that ominous, brick edifice. It’s always hard to flirt with that cutie next to you with a pool of perspiration under your arm that’s the size of Lake Erie.

 

-Don’t Forget To Use Shortcuts

   Ohio University is one hell of a campus: it’s hilly, paved with brick (we’ve touched on this), and located in a valley, which means it can get hot. Discovering and abiding by shortcuts is crucial when navigating campus. My favorites: the Bryan Hall stairs shortcut from Washington/Court St. to east green; cutting across McCracken’s parking lot to Mill St.; and, of course, using the Baker Center escalators any time I need to trek to west green. 

***

-Also, get--I mean friggin' GET--the new KiD CuDi album (I still don't know why I capitalize the "d"s). It's dat new new, fire shit from Mr. Solo Dolo. He's big time now, folks.

God Is Love,

Rev Rub.

Is It To-may-to or To-mah-to?

1.   Many things can happen with drinking and getting together. There can be an amiably intoxicated scene with lots of high fives and awkward hugs, but there could also be arguing. Lots of it. And smacked beer pong cups in peoples' faces.

   And there can be a myriad of reasons why the arguing fermented in the first place: a stray arm hanging limp over the beer pong table after a shot, a debated rule in beer pong and even how many times one person can call island cup (totally a hot topic). Teen drinking brings out even the most fiery debaters.

   But what about an argument about who's the better rapper: KiD CuDi or Bishop Lamont (notice the really cool, out-of-place capital letters)? Or how about KiD CuDi versus Wale? Can you even compare?

   I don't make the question out of hubristic pride for any rapper, but I bring it up because is it even possible to compare KiD CuDi to anyone but himself? 

   Nah, you just can't.

   To even compare CuDi to anyone is against the premise of why he even began rapping in the first place. Take for example "Man On The Moon (The Anthem)": "I'll play all my stuff for everybody and they'd give me feedback and they'd be like, 'yo, why your shit sound so different? Why it sound so different' like it's a bad thing. And I'd be like, 'why not?'"

   Besides the fact that "Man On The Moon (The Anthem)" could call out CuDi on being the most self-conscious rapper in the game, it also calls to attention to the fact that he's not in it to be Jeezy or Young Buck or Weezy. He's out there to be CuDi--as dumb as that sounds.

   And it works. It definitely works. 

   Now granted, I understand that every rapper out there does his own thing to make a name for himself. Everyone in life markets him/herself in his/her own way. You have to or else your product is going to look out-dated, superficial and unoriginal. 

   I also understand that CuDi's flow is--to say the least--different and that his music is most definitely eclectic in its roots. He's not going to be flowing like Jay anytime soon. 

   But that's what he wants: to be DIFFERENT. D-I-F-F-E-R-E-N-T. You can't compare his music to anything else that's out there because that's not why he created it in the first place. His uniqueness in regards to the rest of hip-hop is the key element to his success.

   It's also probably why my roommate this past year actually enjoyed listening to him (my ex-roommate doesn't necessarily "get down with" hip-hop, f.y.i.). 

   So to compare him to Bishop Lamont is not only incorrect but missing the point. 

   In the end it's all just day 'n' night (hooray for cliché conclusions).

2. Count me on the Wiz-Khalifa bandwagon. What up, Shittsburgh?

God Is Love,

Rev Rub

It's The Weirdo Again, Pack My Bags, Head Up To The 'Land.

1. So I noticed this the other day. Lemme go Jerry Seinfeld on your ass: what's up with these "haha"s and "lol"s after everything we say via text? Are we really that funny or do we just try to humor ourselves every time we say something somewhat witty?

   I ain't hatin'. I do it all the time, for sure. Everyone does in order to lighten up the mood in an otherwise objective message. But does a text such as, "I'm broke and heading to a bar doesn't seem like a good idea in order to conserve money HAHA," seem like a sentence to warrant such a hilarious response? Let me know because apparently it was funny enough to shit my pants and elicit "HAHA."

2. Fire Bradley. It shouldn't be such a hackneyed response by now.

3. Is there any better website than hulu.com? Everyone--if you haven't already--please watch Arrested Development at said website. It'll change your life. I swear it.

4. And please cop anything you can by Clipse. Till the Casket Drops is about to be released. It'll show why you need to come to sermon when Pusha T and Malice speak. Truth.

What's A Darius? (Cont.)

http://msn.foxsports.com/soccer/story/9869638/It's-been-a-wild-ride-this-summer-for-American-fans

-For all of the U.S. Men's National Soccer Team fans out there. This is as close to the truth as it comes. No matter some of the wins, fire Bradley and the rest of his regime. He needs to go. God have mercy on the team August 12th.

What's A Darius?

   MTV, I have to applaud you once again. For the 'enth time you've created something so mesmerizing to watch while I eat my fruit salad at 4 in the p.m. that I sit in front of the boob tube like a crackhead watches his pipe light up. It's that eager, filial anxiousness that gets me up and going every mid-afternoon for my daily lobotomy provided by you, Music Television.

   So instead of another juicy dating show, you give me this nugget: Is She Really Going Out With Him? Oh you, you witty, ingenuous cable broadcast network, you. What a fucking brilliant concept. It's no wonder Dire Straights wanted their MTV so bad. Is it love? Nay. Infatuation. 

   However, I have a few problems with the show. Here's how I feel this show could go from great to grand:

1. Don't get me wrong, I love--I mean LOVE--that almost every episode deals with some fucked couple from Northern New Jersey. Not to be stereotypical, but is there any better region of the country where the colloquial customs and preconceived generalizations of the "alpha" male are so fucking funny? 

   "'Ey, An-tony, let's go get some fucking broads down at the strip club. I just got back from tanning and my 'air is looking so fucking good! Where's the fucking vadka?"

   The womens' nasaly voices are just as fantastic. And don't get me wrong, the hipster-wannabe dudes from Los Angeles and the episode of that trashball in the rock band was fantastic, but how about we broaden the douchebag scope? 

   Now, I know everyone already has an automatic image of some some dude in a fitted hat with a Tapout shirt (maybe a cut-off); bronzed body; and gelled, spiky hair as their default chach-rocket, but c'mon now. Let's broaden our d-bag horizon here and extend it to all parts of the country. I believe that the douchebag really has no given face, function, or flex; they come in all shapes, sizes, and hairstyles. MTV, diversify your subjects in coming seasons by sampling all regions' douchebags.

2. Ditch the narrator. I understand that these guys are fucks. I get it. I don't need the constant badgering by the wannabe-Brit narrator. Half the time, the narrator ends up sounding like a bigger douchebag than the actual guys. Make it filmed more like a documentary with commentaries from the girls. It's called Is She Really Going Out With Him? for a reason. Let her add the reflections as necessary.

3. Does this show now create the benchmark for how we are to perceive and classify guys as worthy of a girl's time? And does the simple fact that a guy may be tan or lift weights continually or may not be the next Kafka deem him a douche? And isn't it ironic how we, the audience, are to judge these guys, yet we may possess our own douchebag-like qualities? I'm sure I have a few. 

   It seems almost somewhat portentous on MTV's part to play God on what is attractive and what isn't. And wasn't the portentousness on the males' part what made them douchebags in the first place? It seems almost like an oxymoron to me. However, that may be nitpicking a little too much. 

   But it does create good discussion points on what works and doesn't work in relationships.

   So thank you, MTV, for throwing me this visual T-bone. How do you do it? I don't know. But I'm all the more thankful that you bust your channel-49 ass in on my day everyday.

So I think I'll go home and mull this over before they jam it down my throat.

 

Still High-Two Steppin' It, Do It For the Capital, Wale-Ovechkin.

1. I'm probably going to catch a lot of shit for this, but bear with me (that you means you as well, Arch, Eamonn): but when was I supposed to feel personally slighted by steroid use in professional baseball? When was I supposed to feel that I had been morally and righteously wronged by men like Rafael Palmeiro and Jose Canseco?

   Granted, I'm not a huge baseball fan. I can get into the spirit of the game and I don't doubt the game as this country's national past time. I also acknowledge that my entire argument against not caring about steroid use in baseball has some holes--the ends just don't meet yet.

   However, the media's treatment of this subject makes me feel as if I personally had been done wrong, like these professional athletes robbed me of everything I own. And I think this witch hunt to find who has used and who supposedly hasn't is ridiculous; it's not that detrimental to everyone's existence.

   I approve of suspending players for positive tests. But that is only because it is now against the rules. However, degrading and villainizing those whose results from 2003 and before leaked shouldn't be just frowned upon but simply accepted as fact. Said player used steroids knowing the side-effects. But it wasn't illegal and therefore was an accepted form of training--as unorthodox as baseball Puritans view it.

   I could go on and on, but I'll leave it there (I know I've already set some people's hair a-flame after a few paragraphs). It's a slippery slope from here, but as far as I'm concerned, A-Rod's stats are legit. Especially if he's followed the rules since 2003.

2. Does this dialogue make sense:

   "I never gave a fuck. I never gave a fuck about what n****s thought about me. I mean, I did, but like, fuck it. You know what I'm sayin'?"

-Kid Cudi, "Man On The Moon (The Anthem)"

   Maybe a little Cudi ambivalence?

3. Take a step back and imagine this: say you park your car and run into the store. When you come back out, you find that someone has broken into your car, but instead of stealing something they simply committed suicide in your seat.

   Riddle me this: would you feel complimented that someone decided to commit suicide in your car? Disregard the fact that the person is dead; however, focus on the fact that, although they could've killed him/herself at another location, he/she instead decided to kill him/herself in your motorized vehicle. Is that a compliment?

4. Is there any better song that combines narrative structure and incendiary wordplay than Biggie's song "Gimme Tha Loot"?

   "Crazier than a bag of fucking angel dust, when I bust my gat motherfuckers take dirt naps. I'm all that and a dime sack, where the paper at?"

5. Finally, shout-out to my man Billy Darby working hard to put these songs together. Check 'em and support Kahmal Music: http://www.myspace.com/kahmalmusic.

Mazel Tov.

Boo-yah-kah-sha.

1. Everyone please watch Michael Jackson's "You Rock My World" and tell me how ridiculous the video is seven years after its release. However, much love, M.J.

You Rock My World

2. What's your definition of a good day? Ice Cube's "Today Was A Good Day" or Nappy Roots' "Good Day"?

3. 'Atta boy, Donovan, well 'en.