Now I Roll In An Olds With Windows That Don't Roll.

-I've been struggling since, oh, seventh grade with this, but I still can't figure out how 50 Cent remains successful. Hell, I can't understand how he was successful in the first place.
Now, if rap industry standards mandate that you are an instantly marketable and successful artist if you carry a rap sheet and gun-toting, bitch-slaying lyrics, then, yes, I guess you could say to some extent that 50 Cent is successful.
However, I don't feel that's music industry marketing norm (just look at Cudi).
I've noticed that if you take Fitty at face value there's really nothing special about him.
His beats don't set him apart--anything from any of his albums (even from Get Rich Or Die Tryin') aren't anything that you can't find on an Eminem album, Dre's 2001 or on an album by a contemporary New York rapper (think along the lines of Dipset).
His subject material is most definitely hackneyed.
And his lyricism? It's the stuff that you'd find in a stack of 7th-grade boys' poetry projects. Think I'm kidding? Just listen to "Wanksta" and try to argue otherwise. 50's pedantic wordplay makes Soulja Boy seem incendiary.
There's nothing remotely extraordinary about him, yet he's sold millions of albums, has a pretty solid stake in Vitamin Water (about $100 million worth), an ACTING career (since these hip-hop-ish movies are all the rage with the kids now, being a rap star obviously makes you a credible thespian), and--wait for it--a condom company named Magic Stick.
With all this in mind, it's hard to fathom how 50 remains successful.
Granted, from an unbiased point of view, 75% of what could be deemed "rap" very rarely strays from the same rote subject material. I could see an initial success occurring, but a relative 8 years of success? Some one took a shot gun to my head because it's more than blown.
But when you take into consideration 50's past, it's not all-too-hard to believe. He used to hustle and he was damn good at it. Throw in a hard work ethic and a bully's mentality and he's a bonafide businessman.
Whether the music is intellectually adept is a moot point to 50; he's cornered the rap game and the music industry and milked them for all the profit that he can wrap his meaty fingers around.
It's capitalism, Wal-Mart rap--copious amounts of bubble-gum, throwaway singles that maximize your profit margin as an artist.
And for 50, that's success. That's a ticket out of Jamaica, Queens, and a livable life.
50 could care less if critics like myself think he's a hack. 50 could care less if he knows that he's a hack. Why would he? He's doing what every person in the world wants to do: make money in order to live comfortably.
And although I want to throw my Macbook through my TV every time I see his 'roided-out, impertinent grin, the man's successful. Whether I, you, or anyone else likes it or not.

-This is going to piss off at least a few people, but I'll go ahead and say it anyways: there's no such thing as "karma." Karma is a theoretical cop-out for people who cannot move on with life. Just wanted to let it be known.

-Is there any hip-hop album from this past decade that's more underrated than Common's 2005 masterpiece, BE? "It's Your World" is riveting and Kanye West's production is symbiotically sublime when coupled with Common's lyrics. Every song, top to bottom, is soulful, jazzy and more than uplifting. Check it.


God Is Love,

Rev Rub

In December Drinking Horchata.

-I think I finally pinpointed why I only tepidly and half-heartedly watch NBA games: there are way too many fouls. I don't think it's theoretically possible for an NBA game to go four minutes without having to be stopped for a foul or some infraction. Any flow of play is immediately stopped for this. It's an ADD child's worst nightmare.

-While I've pushed Chuck Klosterman on my blog countless times before, for those who have not read his book Killing Yourself To Live get on that shit. And I mean it. It covers drugs, rock 'n' roll, the New York Magazine industry, plenty of relationship loathing and Jeff Tweedy. Smells like Americana.

While there's probably a fair argument to be made that half of Klosterman's subject material is superfluous banter from a man who spends too much time watching t.v. and listening to music, his writing is not only salient but infinitely interesting to no matter who reads it--even to those Americans like my current roommate who would rather eat yogurt out of Courtney Love's asshole than read a book. If you can get your paws on a copy, pages 83-89 represent the moment of ingenuity: Klosterman's relating of Radiohead's 2000 album Kid A to the 9/11 Terrorist Attacks. Prepare to have a complete and utter mind fuck by way of the North Dakotan ginger himself.

-Will a potential player strike be a death knell for MLS? Does anyone care enough to take me up on an offer to discuss?

-How interesting would it be to see a relegation system put in place for major American sports leagues? Maybe then I'd be saved from being force-fed Nationals and Grizzlies highlights year after year on Sportscenter.

-Contra: January 11th.

I'm drained of forced creativity. Writing hypothetical questions and boredom-driven brain farts is tiresome at 11:45 on a Friday evening. I need to start varying my subject palette from Chuck Klosterman, Major League Soccer, sports and Radiohead. That's all.

God Is Love,

Rev Rub

Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal. And A Happy New Year.

-The last time I checked, MSN/Fox Sports wasn't supposed to be fucking TMZ.

Granted, the Tiger Woods Mistress saga has spread quicker than syphilis at a swingers' convention. It's exactly what Americans want: quick, easy dirt on a person of fame. Our insatiable appetite for cutting down people with fame--or power, depending on how you view Tiger Woods--only to eventually forgive them of their sin of acquiring their fame via us in the first place is the only thing that wakes us in the morning. We love building people up to tear them down only to build them back up again. As Americans, we're experts at playing moral court.

But I say we get the hell out of Tiger Woods' life.

Whatever he did isn't of our concern. The man is one of the best golfers in the world--maybe the best golfer ever. His infidelities and car accident should have absolutely no standing in our sports media.

But of course they do. Since we're a nation that's supposedly built on a foundation of a man's personal privacy, there's no better news than some person's personal news. The more famous the person, the better. The more women involved, the juicier every reported minute of the event becomes.

To hell with anything sports related anymore. Scores, trades, upcoming major events and tournaments? Neesh. Let's take a potentially career-threatening accident and turn it into a media fuckfest run amuck with hidden mistresses, spousal abuse and--of course--substances of all kinds!

Frankly it's tiresome. When did the American public feel the urge to judge whether one man's faults make or break his career? When did we decide to dig deeper than we really needed to? And who's to say that we have the right to point a dirty finger and judge?

The last time I checked, his morals and our vision of what his morals should be have absolutely no standing on his profession. Yet we hold a man's supposed list of infidelities in as high standing as his short game or his chip shot.

What a great country we live in.

-If Kevin McAllister's age in the original Home Alone was age 8 and the movie was released in 1991, then Kevin would be about 25- or 26-years-old now. Taking into account Kevin's apparent abundance of maturity during both Home Alone movies, what do you think Kevin would be like in 2009?

-Chip Tha Ripper's The Cleveland Show was released last week. Great, new stuff from Chip himself featuring appearances by Curren$y and Naledge with production by Chuck Inglish of The Cool Kids. Cool, kid.

God Is Love,

Rev Rub

It's Simple As That For Your Simple Ass.

If I were the ruler of the sports universe, here's how I would run things...

-It would be impossible for a team with a sub-.500 regular season record or a .500 record to win a professional sports league. As evidenced by Real Salt Lake's recent victory in the MLS Cup, any team who wins their respective league after slogging through the regular season just to luck into the last possible playoff spot that a particular sports league presents shows the league's flaws. Sports writers, don't give me these bullshit narratives that this team played as the underdog or that it was the team's destiny to win. That's complete horse shit. For the MLS soccer fan, they were robbed of any meaningful end of the season with a team masquerading and pretending to be champions holding that Anschutz trophy. What a crock.

-With that being said, stop this Americanized hegemony that MLS needs a playoff to remain relevant in the sporting eye. Lose the trite, consumerist playoff structure and go to the single table format. With that being applied, the true champion of MLS is Supporters' Shield Champion and regular points season champion, The Columbus Crew.

Now for the rest:

-Zydrunas Ilgauskas will lose a centimeter of his height every time he tries to take a jump shot for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

-If one claims to be a Pittsburgh Steelers fan but cannot show proof of ever living in a zip code within 40 miles of the city, a mandatory Steelers history test must be taken. It will test a fan's knowledge of the team pre-Super Bowl XXX. If failed, one would then automatically assume the title of "bandwagoner" and be sentenced to life as a Dallas Cowboys fan.

-An overwhelmingly high tariff will be imposed for any American Sports event to be played overseas, including preseason games. Also, an imposed "imperialism" tax would be placed on any team that would be created to play in an American sports league in any country besides Canada or the United States.

-No NHL team is permitted to exist south of the Mason-Dixon line. At least eight of the teams at any one given time must exist in Canada.

-All SEC, Big XII "South" and "southern" Pac-10 teams must play one team north of the Mason-Dixon Line past Thanksgiving every year. Teams south of the Mason-Dixon Line are permitted only to play teams north of the Mason-Dixon Line from the Big Ten, ACC and Big East (or Notre Dame). Also, teams south of the Mason-Dixon Line are only allowed to practice at their scheduled locations for three days prior to kickoff.

-The NFL would realign its conferences to better accommodate geographic location with the Baltimore Ravens switching to the AFC East, the Miami Dolphins switching to the AFC South and the Indianapolis Colts switching to the AFC North. The NFC would simply see the Dallas Cowboys join the NFC West and the St. Louis Rams join the NFC East.

-ESPN will make the Lou Holtz-to-Mark May ratio of speaking on College Football Live 2 to 1. However, Lou Holtz will not be permitted to speak about Notre Dame for more than three minutes at one time if Notre Dame is below-.500. Mark May is not permitted to speak at all for outlined portions of the show and must wear a "dunce" hat.

-For every "anti-soccer" rant for Jim Rome on his show, Landon Donovan will receive one free shot to kick him in the balls. On air. Live.

God Is Love,

Rev Rub

Head Full of Doubt. Road Full of Promise.

-I'm glad that the Ad Council has determined that now is the time to tackle annoying boyfriends. And that's not being sarcastic: I really am glad they've decided to address this issue. I don't think there's anything that gets under my skin more than tool-bag boyfriends. Maybe VH1 has already started to address this issue with "Tool Academy." However, I'd like to think that an actual PSA might put a halt to this kind of travesty. Remember kids, only you can prevent douschbag boyfriends.

-Anderson: Third member of Clipse?

-"Attention: Deficit" Wale's debut album. Solid debut with guest spots by Bun B, K'Naan, Lady Gaga and Gucci Mane. "Rolling Stone" gave it a 3 out of 5 stars and it's a great addition to his extensive body of internet mixtapes. D.C., Mury-land, Virginia, please stand up.

God Is Love,

Rev Rub

Wilco Will Love You, Baby.

-When will the MLS change their playoff system? And I don't want this blurb to devolve into a bitter fan complaining about a system that he/she feels is unmeasurably flawed just because his/her team that he/she fanatically supports--and who happened to be the best team in the league per regular season standings--was just upset by the last seed in the entire playoffs and whose regular season road record was 2-11-2. Like, I just don't want that. But in a league where more than HALF of the teams qualify for the postseason, when does a "home-field advantage" actually become just that? The Columbus Crew just played Real Salt Lake (the team with the horrendous road record) in a two-legged, aggregate semi-finals that gave Real a home game and provided loads of traveling in an "Eastern" Conference semi-final. Real won the first meeting and was able to carry that momentum into Columbus' home game, winning the aggregate series 4-2. Now, all credit to Robbie Findlay and Andy Williams. Top notch stuff on their parts to perform when called upon. But there should have never been a Real home game in the first place. There should have been one game, winner-take-all at Columbus. If this were a perfect world, Columbus would already be champions with a single table format. But with an Americanized playoff system for MLS, Columbus suffered mightily from a format that rewards mediocrity and turns its back on the cream-of-the-crop.

-Also, check this:

God Is Love,

Rev Rub

Here Comes That Shit Again, I've Got A Halloweenhead.

Quick thought, but...

does this season's Cavaliers team seem like foreshadowing for an ESPN Classic episode of "Top-5 Reasons You Can't Blame"? As in, "Top-5 Reasons You Can't Blame: LeBron James for Leaving Cleveland."

After an 0-2 start (the team's first since James' first season in Cleveland) and the continued incompetent showings of Ugly-Gauskis, Varejao and the rest of the funky bunch, this season seems almost too reminiscent of another "Cleveland" sports season. Granted, the season's only two games old. And, granted, I'm not an NBA--nor a Cavaliers--expert. But I'm getting this ominous feeling that an ESPN Classic episode lies in the wake of this season.

-Speaking of Cleveland, new Ray Cash mixtape is out: "Rosé Ray." Guest spots by Curren$y, Naledge and OU's Jesty Beatz. Cop it.

God Is Love,

Rev Rub.