I Mean Mug You, Transformers.

There are a few things in life that push my buttons; a few things that really "rile" me up:

1.) Teen mothers on Facebook who feel the need to address their "haters" although they have about fifty pictures of themselves bonging beers and looking like hot, steamy, estrogen-crashed messes.

2.) Mothers at soccer camps who send emails to your boss saying that your use of terminology such as "sucks" and "shit" is entirely inappropriate even when not directly addressing their kids. And even when you're not directly coaching that child.

3.) Snobbish Bright Eyes fans. 'Nough said.

Let's also add to this list of guilty displeasures the movie Transformers. No, actually, let's be more broad: let's add every summer slop-buster that are shoved down our throats every single burnt-skin, humid, belligerent summer.

   For those of you who have recently seen my Facebook status and Peter Travers incredible, enlightening review of Michael Bay's latest catastrophe, my disdain for this movie is more than palpable: it's tangible. Simply tangible. 

   As far as what's wrong with the movie itself, the review speaks volumes on it in a few paragraphs. The "no-star" rating should be the review's concise abstract for those without the attention span to muster 600 words of reading.

   So let me address those of you who have succumbed to the "dude, I love seeing stuff blow up" or "Megan Fox is so hot" or "it's just 'cool'" rationalizations to watch Transformers.

   The following reasons are why I loathe, distaste, and am full of contempt for movies such as Transformers. Our $200 million reasons why I--in general--don't go see many movies anymore.

1.) Movies are forms of art. They are on the same level of subjectively imbued, meaning creators as novels, poems, and paintings. A Hitchcock film is the same as a Hemingway short story.

   Movies such as Transformers run this vision of art into the ground. They use their $200 million Hollywood budgets and senseless explosions to take a ginormous shit on what should be a medium to inspire, interpret, and educate. Transfomers does none of these (although, I would be open to discuss that they "inspire" 13-year-old boys everywhere to masturbate after seeing Megan Fox).

2.) They allow certain directors--Michael Bay--and actresses--Megan Fox--to remain employed while little Johnny's dad down the street with a college degree can't find a job. These movies rely more on the "shock-and-awe" factor than on the actual intangibles and technicalities of acting and directing feature films.

3.) I'm all for capitalism, but someone has got to draw the line between movies and obsessive, endless advertising. I want to enjoy my movie, but at the same time I don't want to know that I can win Shia LeBeouf's Mustang by eating more Burger King. I don't want to know that VH1 actively endorses the movie. I don't want to know that the closest Megan Fox will ever get to my ass is by my buying the limited-edition, Transformers toilet paper. It's redundant, ridiculous, and annoying. I know this is the future of Hollywood advertising, but it's sad to see that such American consumeristic greed permeates from something that used to--at least seem--so much less gaudy.

4.) If I really wanted to see so many things blow up, I can watch the Iraqi War news coverage on CNN.

It sucks that this movie will more than likely receive poor reviews from movie critics but will be almost embraced by the general public. I'm sure the movie will rake in just as much money as the last shit-show in the series giving Michael Bay another opportunity in the film business. But I guess that's exactly what it is: business. Unfortunately, it's business that's about as big and apathetic as Megatron.

June Thoughts.

When Trying Simply Isn't Good Enough... Don't Try At All   

   I'm tired of the U.S. Men's National Team. I'm tired of their consistent run of form in not only perfecting the ability to half-ass 90 minutes, but also the ability of trouncing on my nationalistic soccer pride. Great win today, but what about the previous four matches? Loss at Costa Rica 3-1. Salvaged win to Honduras 2-1 on home soil. Dismantled by Italy 3-1. Annihilated by Brazil 3-0. Two of the four goals came from penalty kicks. Two costly red cards. The list of detrimental statistics could go on and on, but let me conclude on this: as a supporter of the Yanks, it's suffocating to watch your team continue to play the same uninspired kickball game after game. 2-0 wins over CONCACAF minnows and African, Asian, and European backwaters are not viable victories and should not be applauded. There are numerous players whose national team careers are way past done (*cough* Beasley *cough*) and management whose time should never have been given a chance in the first place (*cough* Bob Bradley *cough*). No matter the result against Spain on Wednesday, I'm fearful for my team's status at next year's zenith of the soccer universe. There needs to be a grave restructuring in the national team system if the United States is to see any results at next year's World Cup.

Facebook Ghosts

   Take a second and think about this: if someone dies and holds a Facebook, Myspace, and/or Twitter account and no one else knows said perished person's password, what becomes of said perished person's networking site? Does the profile just remain in a static state or can you report the incident and have the profile taken off? 

If Ohio Is For Lovers, Then Florida Must Be For Winners (Like Western PA)

   Has anyone ever taken the time to think about the victors over the last few losing Ohio sports teams in major championships? And I don't mean the actual winning teams themselves, but the locations of the winning teams. In 1997, it was the FLORIDA Marlins who beat the Indians in the World Series. In 2007 it was the UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA Gators over the Buckeyes in the BCS Championship. Ditto in that year's NCAA basketball championship as well. In 2009, it was the ORLANDO Magic over the Cleveland Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference Finals. Is there a theme to this? 

   I potentially see this coincidental string of events as a potential microcosm for precipitous declines in population and economic activity in Ohio and the increases in both areas in Florida. While that may be nitpicking a little bit too much, it's interesting to see that we're not just losing people, capital, and a decent image of our state to those in the state of Florida, but we're also losing to their sports teams as well. It's a damn shame that we're not only Pittsburgh's bitch but now we're also Florida's. Way to go, Ohio.