1.) Teen mothers on Facebook who feel the need to address their "haters" although they have about fifty pictures of themselves bonging beers and looking like hot, steamy, estrogen-crashed messes.
2.) Mothers at soccer camps who send emails to your boss saying that your use of terminology such as "sucks" and "shit" is entirely inappropriate even when not directly addressing their kids. And even when you're not directly coaching that child.
3.) Snobbish Bright Eyes fans. 'Nough said.
Let's also add to this list of guilty displeasures the movie Transformers. No, actually, let's be more broad: let's add every summer slop-buster that are shoved down our throats every single burnt-skin, humid, belligerent summer.
For those of you who have recently seen my Facebook status and Peter Travers incredible, enlightening review of Michael Bay's latest catastrophe, my disdain for this movie is more than palpable: it's tangible. Simply tangible.
As far as what's wrong with the movie itself, the review speaks volumes on it in a few paragraphs. The "no-star" rating should be the review's concise abstract for those without the attention span to muster 600 words of reading.
So let me address those of you who have succumbed to the "dude, I love seeing stuff blow up" or "Megan Fox is so hot" or "it's just 'cool'" rationalizations to watch Transformers.
The following reasons are why I loathe, distaste, and am full of contempt for movies such as Transformers. Our $200 million reasons why I--in general--don't go see many movies anymore.
1.) Movies are forms of art. They are on the same level of subjectively imbued, meaning creators as novels, poems, and paintings. A Hitchcock film is the same as a Hemingway short story.
Movies such as Transformers run this vision of art into the ground. They use their $200 million Hollywood budgets and senseless explosions to take a ginormous shit on what should be a medium to inspire, interpret, and educate. Transfomers does none of these (although, I would be open to discuss that they "inspire" 13-year-old boys everywhere to masturbate after seeing Megan Fox).
2.) They allow certain directors--Michael Bay--and actresses--Megan Fox--to remain employed while little Johnny's dad down the street with a college degree can't find a job. These movies rely more on the "shock-and-awe" factor than on the actual intangibles and technicalities of acting and directing feature films.
3.) I'm all for capitalism, but someone has got to draw the line between movies and obsessive, endless advertising. I want to enjoy my movie, but at the same time I don't want to know that I can win Shia LeBeouf's Mustang by eating more Burger King. I don't want to know that VH1 actively endorses the movie. I don't want to know that the closest Megan Fox will ever get to my ass is by my buying the limited-edition, Transformers toilet paper. It's redundant, ridiculous, and annoying. I know this is the future of Hollywood advertising, but it's sad to see that such American consumeristic greed permeates from something that used to--at least seem--so much less gaudy.
4.) If I really wanted to see so many things blow up, I can watch the Iraqi War news coverage on CNN.
It sucks that this movie will more than likely receive poor reviews from movie critics but will be almost embraced by the general public. I'm sure the movie will rake in just as much money as the last shit-show in the series giving Michael Bay another opportunity in the film business. But I guess that's exactly what it is: business. Unfortunately, it's business that's about as big and apathetic as Megatron.
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