It's Simple As That For Your Simple Ass.

If I were the ruler of the sports universe, here's how I would run things...

-It would be impossible for a team with a sub-.500 regular season record or a .500 record to win a professional sports league. As evidenced by Real Salt Lake's recent victory in the MLS Cup, any team who wins their respective league after slogging through the regular season just to luck into the last possible playoff spot that a particular sports league presents shows the league's flaws. Sports writers, don't give me these bullshit narratives that this team played as the underdog or that it was the team's destiny to win. That's complete horse shit. For the MLS soccer fan, they were robbed of any meaningful end of the season with a team masquerading and pretending to be champions holding that Anschutz trophy. What a crock.

-With that being said, stop this Americanized hegemony that MLS needs a playoff to remain relevant in the sporting eye. Lose the trite, consumerist playoff structure and go to the single table format. With that being applied, the true champion of MLS is Supporters' Shield Champion and regular points season champion, The Columbus Crew.

Now for the rest:

-Zydrunas Ilgauskas will lose a centimeter of his height every time he tries to take a jump shot for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

-If one claims to be a Pittsburgh Steelers fan but cannot show proof of ever living in a zip code within 40 miles of the city, a mandatory Steelers history test must be taken. It will test a fan's knowledge of the team pre-Super Bowl XXX. If failed, one would then automatically assume the title of "bandwagoner" and be sentenced to life as a Dallas Cowboys fan.

-An overwhelmingly high tariff will be imposed for any American Sports event to be played overseas, including preseason games. Also, an imposed "imperialism" tax would be placed on any team that would be created to play in an American sports league in any country besides Canada or the United States.

-No NHL team is permitted to exist south of the Mason-Dixon line. At least eight of the teams at any one given time must exist in Canada.

-All SEC, Big XII "South" and "southern" Pac-10 teams must play one team north of the Mason-Dixon Line past Thanksgiving every year. Teams south of the Mason-Dixon Line are permitted only to play teams north of the Mason-Dixon Line from the Big Ten, ACC and Big East (or Notre Dame). Also, teams south of the Mason-Dixon Line are only allowed to practice at their scheduled locations for three days prior to kickoff.

-The NFL would realign its conferences to better accommodate geographic location with the Baltimore Ravens switching to the AFC East, the Miami Dolphins switching to the AFC South and the Indianapolis Colts switching to the AFC North. The NFC would simply see the Dallas Cowboys join the NFC West and the St. Louis Rams join the NFC East.

-ESPN will make the Lou Holtz-to-Mark May ratio of speaking on College Football Live 2 to 1. However, Lou Holtz will not be permitted to speak about Notre Dame for more than three minutes at one time if Notre Dame is below-.500. Mark May is not permitted to speak at all for outlined portions of the show and must wear a "dunce" hat.

-For every "anti-soccer" rant for Jim Rome on his show, Landon Donovan will receive one free shot to kick him in the balls. On air. Live.

God Is Love,

Rev Rub

Head Full of Doubt. Road Full of Promise.

-I'm glad that the Ad Council has determined that now is the time to tackle annoying boyfriends. And that's not being sarcastic: I really am glad they've decided to address this issue. I don't think there's anything that gets under my skin more than tool-bag boyfriends. Maybe VH1 has already started to address this issue with "Tool Academy." However, I'd like to think that an actual PSA might put a halt to this kind of travesty. Remember kids, only you can prevent douschbag boyfriends.

-Anderson: Third member of Clipse?

-"Attention: Deficit" Wale's debut album. Solid debut with guest spots by Bun B, K'Naan, Lady Gaga and Gucci Mane. "Rolling Stone" gave it a 3 out of 5 stars and it's a great addition to his extensive body of internet mixtapes. D.C., Mury-land, Virginia, please stand up.

God Is Love,

Rev Rub

Wilco Will Love You, Baby.

-When will the MLS change their playoff system? And I don't want this blurb to devolve into a bitter fan complaining about a system that he/she feels is unmeasurably flawed just because his/her team that he/she fanatically supports--and who happened to be the best team in the league per regular season standings--was just upset by the last seed in the entire playoffs and whose regular season road record was 2-11-2. Like, I just don't want that. But in a league where more than HALF of the teams qualify for the postseason, when does a "home-field advantage" actually become just that? The Columbus Crew just played Real Salt Lake (the team with the horrendous road record) in a two-legged, aggregate semi-finals that gave Real a home game and provided loads of traveling in an "Eastern" Conference semi-final. Real won the first meeting and was able to carry that momentum into Columbus' home game, winning the aggregate series 4-2. Now, all credit to Robbie Findlay and Andy Williams. Top notch stuff on their parts to perform when called upon. But there should have never been a Real home game in the first place. There should have been one game, winner-take-all at Columbus. If this were a perfect world, Columbus would already be champions with a single table format. But with an Americanized playoff system for MLS, Columbus suffered mightily from a format that rewards mediocrity and turns its back on the cream-of-the-crop.

-Also, check this:

God Is Love,

Rev Rub