What's A Darius? (Cont.)

http://msn.foxsports.com/soccer/story/9869638/It's-been-a-wild-ride-this-summer-for-American-fans

-For all of the U.S. Men's National Soccer Team fans out there. This is as close to the truth as it comes. No matter some of the wins, fire Bradley and the rest of his regime. He needs to go. God have mercy on the team August 12th.

What's A Darius?

   MTV, I have to applaud you once again. For the 'enth time you've created something so mesmerizing to watch while I eat my fruit salad at 4 in the p.m. that I sit in front of the boob tube like a crackhead watches his pipe light up. It's that eager, filial anxiousness that gets me up and going every mid-afternoon for my daily lobotomy provided by you, Music Television.

   So instead of another juicy dating show, you give me this nugget: Is She Really Going Out With Him? Oh you, you witty, ingenuous cable broadcast network, you. What a fucking brilliant concept. It's no wonder Dire Straights wanted their MTV so bad. Is it love? Nay. Infatuation. 

   However, I have a few problems with the show. Here's how I feel this show could go from great to grand:

1. Don't get me wrong, I love--I mean LOVE--that almost every episode deals with some fucked couple from Northern New Jersey. Not to be stereotypical, but is there any better region of the country where the colloquial customs and preconceived generalizations of the "alpha" male are so fucking funny? 

   "'Ey, An-tony, let's go get some fucking broads down at the strip club. I just got back from tanning and my 'air is looking so fucking good! Where's the fucking vadka?"

   The womens' nasaly voices are just as fantastic. And don't get me wrong, the hipster-wannabe dudes from Los Angeles and the episode of that trashball in the rock band was fantastic, but how about we broaden the douchebag scope? 

   Now, I know everyone already has an automatic image of some some dude in a fitted hat with a Tapout shirt (maybe a cut-off); bronzed body; and gelled, spiky hair as their default chach-rocket, but c'mon now. Let's broaden our d-bag horizon here and extend it to all parts of the country. I believe that the douchebag really has no given face, function, or flex; they come in all shapes, sizes, and hairstyles. MTV, diversify your subjects in coming seasons by sampling all regions' douchebags.

2. Ditch the narrator. I understand that these guys are fucks. I get it. I don't need the constant badgering by the wannabe-Brit narrator. Half the time, the narrator ends up sounding like a bigger douchebag than the actual guys. Make it filmed more like a documentary with commentaries from the girls. It's called Is She Really Going Out With Him? for a reason. Let her add the reflections as necessary.

3. Does this show now create the benchmark for how we are to perceive and classify guys as worthy of a girl's time? And does the simple fact that a guy may be tan or lift weights continually or may not be the next Kafka deem him a douche? And isn't it ironic how we, the audience, are to judge these guys, yet we may possess our own douchebag-like qualities? I'm sure I have a few. 

   It seems almost somewhat portentous on MTV's part to play God on what is attractive and what isn't. And wasn't the portentousness on the males' part what made them douchebags in the first place? It seems almost like an oxymoron to me. However, that may be nitpicking a little too much. 

   But it does create good discussion points on what works and doesn't work in relationships.

   So thank you, MTV, for throwing me this visual T-bone. How do you do it? I don't know. But I'm all the more thankful that you bust your channel-49 ass in on my day everyday.

So I think I'll go home and mull this over before they jam it down my throat.

 

Still High-Two Steppin' It, Do It For the Capital, Wale-Ovechkin.

1. I'm probably going to catch a lot of shit for this, but bear with me (that you means you as well, Arch, Eamonn): but when was I supposed to feel personally slighted by steroid use in professional baseball? When was I supposed to feel that I had been morally and righteously wronged by men like Rafael Palmeiro and Jose Canseco?

   Granted, I'm not a huge baseball fan. I can get into the spirit of the game and I don't doubt the game as this country's national past time. I also acknowledge that my entire argument against not caring about steroid use in baseball has some holes--the ends just don't meet yet.

   However, the media's treatment of this subject makes me feel as if I personally had been done wrong, like these professional athletes robbed me of everything I own. And I think this witch hunt to find who has used and who supposedly hasn't is ridiculous; it's not that detrimental to everyone's existence.

   I approve of suspending players for positive tests. But that is only because it is now against the rules. However, degrading and villainizing those whose results from 2003 and before leaked shouldn't be just frowned upon but simply accepted as fact. Said player used steroids knowing the side-effects. But it wasn't illegal and therefore was an accepted form of training--as unorthodox as baseball Puritans view it.

   I could go on and on, but I'll leave it there (I know I've already set some people's hair a-flame after a few paragraphs). It's a slippery slope from here, but as far as I'm concerned, A-Rod's stats are legit. Especially if he's followed the rules since 2003.

2. Does this dialogue make sense:

   "I never gave a fuck. I never gave a fuck about what n****s thought about me. I mean, I did, but like, fuck it. You know what I'm sayin'?"

-Kid Cudi, "Man On The Moon (The Anthem)"

   Maybe a little Cudi ambivalence?

3. Take a step back and imagine this: say you park your car and run into the store. When you come back out, you find that someone has broken into your car, but instead of stealing something they simply committed suicide in your seat.

   Riddle me this: would you feel complimented that someone decided to commit suicide in your car? Disregard the fact that the person is dead; however, focus on the fact that, although they could've killed him/herself at another location, he/she instead decided to kill him/herself in your motorized vehicle. Is that a compliment?

4. Is there any better song that combines narrative structure and incendiary wordplay than Biggie's song "Gimme Tha Loot"?

   "Crazier than a bag of fucking angel dust, when I bust my gat motherfuckers take dirt naps. I'm all that and a dime sack, where the paper at?"

5. Finally, shout-out to my man Billy Darby working hard to put these songs together. Check 'em and support Kahmal Music: http://www.myspace.com/kahmalmusic.

Mazel Tov.

Boo-yah-kah-sha.

1. Everyone please watch Michael Jackson's "You Rock My World" and tell me how ridiculous the video is seven years after its release. However, much love, M.J.

You Rock My World

2. What's your definition of a good day? Ice Cube's "Today Was A Good Day" or Nappy Roots' "Good Day"?

3. 'Atta boy, Donovan, well 'en.