Don't Read This.

Here's a story that I wrote for Athens, Ohio, publication Backdrop Magazine. It hasn't been published yet because of difficulties with the website, so I thought I'd go ahead and post it on here before it gets too dated. Here it is and be sure to check out www.backdropmag.com for everything that's great about this world. Fa sho.

What Not To Do As A Freshman

-Don’t Forget To Check Your Bobcat Email Every Morning

   This little form of intra-campus communication comes in handy. I finally learned to check my email last year after I walked all the way from east green to Porter Hall to find out that my class was cancelled. And oh yeah, it was -10 degrees out with eight inches of snow on the ground. At 9 am. Don’t be a dummy. Check and respeck.

 

-Don’t Miss Slice Night

   Courtside, Wednesday nights, $0.50 per slice of cheese pizza ($0.75 per slice of pepperoni). It’s great.

 

-Don’t Walk In A Big Group Your First Weekend

   If you want to have any chance at getting into a house party your first night(s), keep the herd back in the dorm where it belongs and go out in small groups. Once your packs have successfully located and entered a party THEN reconvene. Actually, apply this rule to the entire year.

 

-Don’t Forget About That Red Brick Road…

   Here are a few fun facts about Ohio University:

1.) Ohio University was the first university founded in what was formerly called the Northwest Territories in 1804. It was the first recognized institution to be built in Appalachia, making its campus both hilly and scenic (that fall foliage really makes me melt).

2.) Nelsonville, Ohio—just up the road from Athens—was once the world’s leading producer of brick. Much of Athens, Ohio, is laid out in brick.

3.) Hills that are mainly paved over with brick do not make for a smooth walking surface. Much of the brick is uneven with gaps in between. Shoes that have pointy ends—i.e. heels—will stick in these gaps. Freshman boozing mixed with brick mixed with heels leads to lots of injuries, broken heels, and shattered dreams.

   Ladies, as much as I love seeing you do ya thang with heels on, keep in mind the potential potholes you’ll have to dodge on your quest back to your dorms.

 

-Don’t Forget About Your Stomach On Court Street

  I have a personal vice when it comes to stuffing my face after a night out on the town: Big Mamma’s. Big Mamma’s comes in handy late night (it’s typically open until 3 a.m.) and its “baby” burrito is almost the size of a Chipotle burrito for half the price ($3.25). To be completely honest, I almost prefer Big Mamma’s to Chipotle. So step your Mexican game up. Get some Big Mamma’s. Let me recommend the Chipotle Ranch Mamma with ground beef. Big Mamma’s is right by the intersection of Court and Washington, just past the Chase bank.

 

-Don’t Do This (If You Don’t Have The Means…)

   Now, if one were to have the means to enter one of Athens’ finer drinking holes, one would find that The Crystal is a popular destination for all those 21 years or older. One would find that Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights are great nights for $1.25 drafts of Miller Light, Bud Light, and Coors Light respectively. But then again, that’s only what I’ve heard.

 

-Don’t Bundle Up When Going To Bentley Hall

   Bentley Hall will destroy your self-esteem, your sweat glands, and your favorite white tee. It can be argued that it’s the hottest lecture hall on campus. It doesn’t help when 100-200 person classes exacerbate the temperature. Remember to dress not to impress but to survive when braving that ominous, brick edifice. It’s always hard to flirt with that cutie next to you with a pool of perspiration under your arm that’s the size of Lake Erie.

 

-Don’t Forget To Use Shortcuts

   Ohio University is one hell of a campus: it’s hilly, paved with brick (we’ve touched on this), and located in a valley, which means it can get hot. Discovering and abiding by shortcuts is crucial when navigating campus. My favorites: the Bryan Hall stairs shortcut from Washington/Court St. to east green; cutting across McCracken’s parking lot to Mill St.; and, of course, using the Baker Center escalators any time I need to trek to west green. 

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-Also, get--I mean friggin' GET--the new KiD CuDi album (I still don't know why I capitalize the "d"s). It's dat new new, fire shit from Mr. Solo Dolo. He's big time now, folks.

God Is Love,

Rev Rub.